Post # 8 The Family Under Stress

The Family Under Stress

I cannot overstate that I am learning so much in my Family Relations class!! The topic of this week’s discussion is,  “The Family Under Stress.” A stressor is a strain on a family or relationship. Most of the time we think of stress as being negative. Some stresses are challenging they can be physical, mental, or spiritual, health, unemployment, divorce, school, finances, and family dynamics the list could go on.

Stress can also be a very positive thing. In class we talked about the astronauts that spend an extended amount of time on the space stations. The astronauts are living in without gravity and so they must find ways to exercise with resistance to keep their muscles and bones strong. I imagine this would be challenging. In our discussions we learned that when astronauts finally return to the earth from a space station, their bones are actually very porous and weak. They actually begin to suffer from osteoporosis. Additionally their muscles become very weak and they cannot even get themselves out of the shuttle when they return to the earth. They must be taken out and placed in wheel chairs by others who are there to assist them because they can do very little for themselves and cannot walk. How very interesting.

Why does this happen? As we learned in class it is because there are no stressors on the astronauts bodies while in space. Do you know that gravity here on earth is a stressor on our bodies? Because we have the stress of gravity on our bodies it strengthens our bones and muscles.

As we talked about the astronauts and their physical weakness upon returning to earth, I actually felt grateful to our loving Heavenly Father. That might seem strange but, I began to have just a small glimpse at how wise and loving He is. He knows that we need to have stress in order to be strong.

I began to think about some of the huge stressors that I have had in my life. I grew up under various types of abuses and neglect from my mother and step-mother. I have had my heart broken with two painful divorces. I have lived through the anguish of losing my son just after his birth and losing my father, who was my rock and dearest friend to cancer.

I am grateful for my “negative” stressors, they have helped me grow and find strength that I didn’t know I had. For example, I genuinely believe I am a better mother and more gentle with my children because I never wanted them to feel the pain I had as a child. I am more cautious with relationships and have had some great discussions with my children as they consider the dating world and future companions. I have learned that I can still find joy even when those I love most have left this world. I believe I have been tempered in many ways.

Sometimes I feel like I am still reeling from those stressors that could be considered very negative. However, I know that I would not be the person am I today, had it not been for these painful experiences. Do I think that Heavenly Father “planned” for me to have such unfair things happen to me in my life? No, not really. This life is about choices and experiences. I do believe that he knows his children well enough to know how they will behave in any circumstance. I am so very grateful for his love for me, I feel it every day. I am grateful for His trust and confidence in me that I will come out on the other side a little wiser than before.

Post # 7 Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

This week in Family Relations the topic of our discussions was Sexual Intimacy and Family Life. One of the sub topics to the discussions was infidelity. This was an interesting and insightful discussion. Of course I knew that sexual infidelity occurs in some marriages. I there are other types of infidelity that can destroy a marriage as well. Some types of infidelity were more obvious to me as we discussed them in class and some had never dawned on me before. Following were some thoughts that stuck out to me, but this is not an inclusive list, nor is it exclusively a husband problem or a wife problem. Either spouse can have issues with any one of the following infidelity issues.

Fantasy: Many women and girls love a clean romance novel or movie. Jane Eyre is a favorite among my household, we love “Pride and Prejudice” and “Sense and Sensibility”. We all think of Mr. Darcy as the example of love and devotion. However, as “perfect” as he may be, he is not real, he is a fantasy. This can be dangerous and destructive in a marriage when the wife is hurt and frustrated because her husband does not behave as Mr. Darcy does and compares her husband to a fictitious character.

Emotional: Every marriage will go through tough times. There may be the temptation to confide in someone about the misery they feel, whether of the same sex or not. One of the dangers with this is that instead of trying to work on challenges with in the marriage and becoming closer to the spouse, the individual is now turning away from the spouse and seeking emotional connection outside the marriage.

Now, I make a disclaimer here. Abuse of any kind is not ok. In a situation like that the marriage partners need outside professional help. It is absolutely appropriate and essential that abuse not stay just between the spouses. Can you see the difference here? If you are uncertain if something is crossing a line, contact the Family Crisis Center. 

Visual: Pornography is something that both men and women can have an addiction to. Do you know that even romance novels can be considered pornographic? Does it describe things that illicit sexual feelings? Those feelings can also fall into the infidelity of fantasies, that’s dangerous in marriage.

Sexual: Sexual infidelity can destroy a marriage. Some marriages choose to stay together and work it out, but it can take years for trust to build up again. It was interesting to me to learn that women particularly are at risk with regards to this type of infidelity because of the a hormone called oxytocin that is produced in their bodies. This is a bonding hormone. This is the hormone that makes a woman feel emotionally connected to her sexual partner and it is the same hormone that helps strengthen the bonding with her child. So husbands and wives need to talk with one another.

Digital: Addictions to games or social media for example can drive a husband and wife apart. Perhaps one marriage partner thinks it’s not a big deal. But if one finds themselves wanting spend more time with the screen, it’s another sign of infidelity. 

In short, anything that takes the focus of either spouse away from the other is infidelity. Meaning if a spouse would rather spend time away from the other and “enjoy” other relationships or activities instead of being with their marriage partner, it’s time to re-evaluate the health of the marriage and realign the focus on each other. This list lightly touches on various infidelities. Some items may be more obvious than others. This was a an eye opener for me. I want to keep in mind what marital fidelity is.

Post # 6 Transitions in Marriage

Wow! it’s hard to believe I am half way through the semester. This has been my favorite class this semester. It’s been tough at times working through the readings in my Family Relations Class, because I am twice divorced. I feel like I am no expert and at the same time I am an expert at what doesn’t work. With that said, this week’s topic has been “Transitions in Marriage.”

Something I found interesting in our discussions was the planning of the wedding/reception can set up a pattern for the future of the marriage. Of course none of us realize we are setting patterns at this time, but we are. Understand reader, I will not be using my own experiences in this blog, I will be using examples of class discussions.

The national average cost of planning a wedding/reception for 100-150 guests is $33,000. Does that shock you? Mercy! My eyes flew open at that information. So the question came up in class, how is this event financed? How does this affect the couple? What are some of the long term effects of such an event? What are some of the patterns that are now being put in place as the wedding/reception is planned?

How is a wedding/reception usually financed? That’s a lot of money to come up with. This is top three we discussed in class.

·         Parents

·         Savings

·         Credit card or other debt

Do the parents have that kind of money to spend on a single event? Will it wipe out their savings or do they need to dip into their retirement account? Will they need to mortgage their home? Might they even feel a little wary or possibly resentful at the debt? Please know this doesn’t mean they are bad parents: they have lived a lot longer than the couple and know a few more things about money. This is a lot of financial pressure.

Does the couple have money saved up themselves to pay for the wedding/reception or will they need help to finance it? Will they go into debt using credit cards or a loan to finance this special day? How will this debt affect the couple? We will make the assumption they are both students already stretched financially living off of grants, scholarships, and part-time jobs.

How would debt affect the young couple? Debt is a heavy thing to endure, it can have many faces. Of course financial debt is obvious, but what about the feelings that may come along because the parents may feel something is owed to them because of the financial contribution they made? Maybe the expectation that every holiday is to be spent with them? Perhaps naming the first child after the contributing set of parents? What about “advising” the young couple of what they need to do in various situations?

What patterns has this young couple already started establishing? Planning a wedding/reception is a vital lesson for the couple as they are learning how to work together in their own marriage. They learn about finances, how their spouse feels about finances and how they actually use those resources. They learn about priorities, differences, and compromise. They learn about how the other behaves under pressure and how they treat those they are engaging with during those times. Many more things can be learned about the future spouse as they plan a wedding/reception together.

This is a time to watch carefully as patterns are being developed in what will be the future of the marriage. Again, I have used no personal examples, but I can say from the reading this week that I was able to see patterns that were established in my previous marriages simply by recalling how the wedding/receptions played out.

Post #5 Preparing for Marriage

As we started this week’s topic of “Preparing For Marriage” I was filled with dread. I am twice divorced. Marriage has been a painful experience for me and I have been left with a “dead” feeling inside from its effects. By the end of the week I began to notice a change in my feelings, they have changed from dread to cautiously hopeful. I have learned for myself that there are some things that I neglected to understand prior to both of my marriages. I have learned some valuable lessons this week with regard to dating.

There are four stages from dating to marriage they are: dating, courtship, engagement and marriage.

Dating and hanging out are very different. When people “hang out” it is more of killing time and generally more focused on media. A couple is not really getting to know each other and it’s easy to turn one’s attention to someone else when things get awkward.

According to Elder Dallin H. Oaks, a date is something planned, paid for, and paired off. The couple is committing focus and time to each other for two hours. In class, Brother Williams in effect put it this way, the purpose of dating is to give people an opportunity to get to know each other, it’s not a lifetime commitment it’s just a two hour commitment, with no strings attached. This is not exclusive dating.  I really liked that idea: it made sense to me. This took much of the fear and intimidation of dating away for me. One of the concepts that we discussed in class is that dating is great practice for men and women to learn about roles in relationships.

The next stage in dating is courtship, this is exclusive dating. There is an understanding between the couple that they are going out on dates with anyone else. This stage of the relationship is more committed to each other. In this stage, couples will learn more of the roles that each partner will contribute, what the relationship will look like in the future. During this time the couple begins to see specific ways the other contributes to the relationship. For instance, what is the pattern of cleaning up after eating a meal together. Do both partners contribute to the chore of cleaning up, washing dishes, putting away dishes,  wiping the table and counters, putting food away in proper containers, and sweeping the floor? Or does the chore fall specifically to one partner while the other has an excuse not to help with the “mess” that both were a part of? Are partners willing the help with this unsavory chore without being asked or does there need to be repeated requests for help? This is just one of many example of what the future roles will look as the relationship progresses.

If the relationship continues, the next stage will be engagement. In this stage obviously the exclusive dating continues and there is absolute commitment to each other.  Now the couple is specifically working toward marriage. Patterns in the relationship continue. Whatever weaknesses each partner has will continue in the marriage. It is important to understand that no one is perfect, however it is also important to understand that personal behaviors are not likely to change. What is the work ethic of each partner? What about financial management? Does what they say about money actually line up with how they manage money? Are they able to wait to purchase with cash or does it go on a credit card? How do they treat others when they are frustrated or angry? Again this is just a few examples of the many situations that come up in relationships. Some of these characteristics may have been seen already. Make no excuses for the other partner. This will be the pattern in the marriage. Can you live with it because it will become even more so.

Marriage is the final step in the process. This is the stage where the goal of complete commitment is completed. At this stage partners will really have to work on the relationship. After a time the excitement of new marriage changes into regular daily living. Each partner has brought into the marriage faults and imperfections. Now partners learn to forgive and work together. They are not trying to change each other but working to accept and love the differences in each other. They are learning to blend and become one together.

I have teenage daughters who obviously notice the boys. We have had some great conversations about dating to marriage this week. I have shared with them some of the concepts that I have been learning about these concepts as it applies to any age group. My youngest daughter now feels less fearful about dating in her future.

All of these stages take time. Don’t try to rush the relationship. Each person needs time to contemplate what they are learning about the other. I believe in marriage and I have hope for a happy marriage someday. This has been a full week for me in learning about the process of dating to marriage.

Post #4 Gender and Family Life

This week in my Family Relations class the topic was Gender and Family Life. There are many concepts to this topic. This week, I am choosing to write about the relationships between sisters. It’s been a great week to be reminded how grateful I am for my own sister. I have been close to her for many years. Previously before this week’s reading, I had not really paid attention to how important my sister relationship is to my own mental health. I just knew that when I had a good day or a hard day, my sister Christina, is who I choose to call. It’s been that way for years.

She is a great sounding board when I need to think out loud and she talks to me “straight” as well when I need it. For instance a recent phone call we had was over a difference of opinion for a family get together in another state. Instead of either of us getting mad because of differing opinions we were able to listen to each side. We have not yet come to resolution but we at least know where the other is coming from. This makes it possible to find the right answers for each of our families and still get together.

One of the many articles we read this week for class was titled, “Sisters give siblings better mental health study shows” by Joe Hadfield. This short article really struck a chord with me. Of course parents and other siblings matter significantly also. There are so many wonderful blessings that come from having loving parents and siblings. Personally, from my father I learned about treating everyone with kindness and choosing to be positive and happy. From my mother I learned about the importance of forgiving and letting go of hurt. From my brothers I have learned of their fierce love and desire to protect me. From my sister, I have learned about generosity, forgiveness, and never giving up. My family is everything to me.

Having a sister especially during the turbulent teenage years can help ease some of the low times that all young people experience. According to the article mentioned above, “[H]aving a sister protected adolescents from feeling lonely, unloved, guilty, self-conscious and fearful. It didn’t matter whether the sister was younger or older, or how far apart the siblings were age wise.” When I read this, I felt it was a perfect description of my feelings about my sister. The only clarification I need to add to the statement above is that in my current stage of life, which is middle age, it still applies!

I look at my own children and see the relationships they have. Of course some of them are grown and gone, but I can see in my children a great love between them. I see a bond between these girls and when one of them is feeling “lonely, unloved, guilty, self-conscious and fearful” they reach for each other. Often these sisters, are the first ones to reach for another sister for comfort. They are best friends to each other, they freely give affection with hugs, kisses, and I love you’s, they try to help each other ease the pain of hurt feelings or of guilt, they build each other’s self-confidence, and they reassure each other.

I am grateful for my own sister and for the sister relationship my own children have with one another. I am grateful for the enduring friendships in sisterhood. I am grateful for the love that is always there, even during times of frustration. I am grateful for the calm reassurance, when fears arise. I am forever grateful I have been blessed with a sister.

Post #3 Social Class

The topic this week in my Family Relations class has been about social class and cultural diversity.

 I have felt badly, when during a history lesson I have learned that in some foreign countries there were still social classes today. I understood that there were the “haves” and “have-not’s”. I understood that some were well to do and some lived in squalor. I realize I am over simplifying. Somehow as a youngster it was just too far away for me to grasp this fact. I grew up in a fairly comfortable home. We had a car, a working furnace and lights, enough food, warm clothes, etc. In my bliss I had not paid any attention to the social classes that exist in my own country. I guess it never occurred to me that there were classes. (I think I have my father to thank for that. He looked at everyone and treated everyone as equal and with respect.) I understood that some were poor and some were wealthy with many families in between.

The focus for me right now is those families that are struggling to make ends meet. Wondering, how they will get through the next month, week, or the next day. This week I saw a documentary about a woman that amazed me with her strength and yet broke my heart with her hardships. She was a hardworking single mother of four children. She was doing her best to set a good example for her children. She worked fulltime and walked 10.5 miles to work every day instead of going on government welfare. She was a caring and concerned mother. She had a desire and hope for a better life in the future.

Why did she end up living the life that she did? Her social class was at the bottom of the rung. Is someone doomed to live life like that? What can I do as one person to help someone else make a better life for themselves?

Please understand dear reader that I am not judging this mother. I am however making some observations.

In the documentary there was no mention of the father of the children. How much harder life is for a mother to raise children on her own but also how much harder it is for children not to have a father in the home to help raise them, teach them, love them, support them, and set a good example for them. I believe that a father should be the bread winner, the support and protector of the home and family. I understand there can be extenuating circumstances, I am thinking of a traditional family and home. When the mother is able to be in the home and nurture and teach the children, the children have a better start in life. Again, I understand that there can be extenuating circumstances.

This mother also grew up in poverty. She was one of twenty-two children. Obviously most of us don’t have that many siblings. Her father was a very hard worker and worked many hours, but with so many depending on him, it was never enough. This mother, as a girl had to quit school and go to work to help support her family. Because she quit school to go to work, she was left at a disadvantage. She didn’t have the educational background that most of us have. She didn’t have the skills to find a decent paying job.

I learned a lot from the documentary and the discussion following that we had in class. I don’t have the answers to fix everything, but I have one answer that for me is most important. Don’t judge people. It may look like she is at the bottom of the social class ladder, but she had something that cannot be found by being in any social class. This mother had determination and hope for her future. There were many setbacks in her life, but she was choosing to be happy.

I am working daily to be hopeful for my own future and the future of my family. I am very blessed to have the opportunity to attend BYU-Idaho, I am determined to continue and complete my education so that I can help others dig deep within themselves to find their own determination and hope.

Post #2 Family Systems

This week in my Family Relations Class, one of the topics of discussion was “Family Systems”. To help our class better understand what is meant by “Family Systems” some other examples were given with systems that we all had some degree of familiarity with, such as phone systems, electrical systems, body systems (i.e. cardiovascular), fire suppression and operating systems with phones and computers.

The Systems Theory is that a group looked at as a whole, has boundaries and each person influences others. They work together and this maintains the system. This does not necessarily mean that it is a healthy system, it just means that each person has an influence which maintains the system. There may also be sub-systems.

Another great example that was shared in class was actually an object lesson. Now, bear with me, this may be a little long winded. We had 4 volunteers in class to be a “family”. We had a father, mother, and two children. The “family” spread out in a circle and held hands. Brother Williams then (with permission) put his hands on each family members shoulders and pulled on each individual one at a time. During this time everyone continued to hold hands. Obviously there was strain put on the rest of the family members. He continued to go around the circle. When Brother Williams got to the father of the family the father tried to keep any extra strain from going to the rest of the family, trying to bear it by himself. This actually made it harder on the father, whereas if he had allowed the family to help him bear the strain it would have been easier. In a sense the father was at more of a risk of losing his balance because he was unwilling to share the strain with the family.

Please don’t misunderstand that the father was the problem. This could be anyone of us in the same position of the father, or any other family member, he was just trying to protect the family.  I learned somethings about myself and my family. I am not listing them in any order of relevance, just what comes to my mind.

·         Strain felt on any member of the family affects the whole family. It can be anything from a bad day at school for a child to a parent not getting the things accomplished on the to do list to financial troubles. This list may seem trite, the point is the list can go on and on. It applies to any size stress at all. The strain is there even if we aren’t aware of the bad day or the to do list.

·         As hard as it is to share the burden, I realize I am making it so much harder for myself and my family when I don’t share. My family and I are stronger when we work together and share burdens.

·         There are many things in life that are pulling at families. Be aware.

·         When I don’t share what is bothering me, I am actually causing fear for my loved ones. They may be afraid to broach the subject for fear of making things worse. Be more open with concerns.

·         I know my family loves me and they will want to help in whatever way is possible.

·         I can show weakness and at the same time continue to have my dignity.

This week has really been thought provoking for me. I am learning to think about and love my family deeper. I may not be perfect, but I have the perfect family for me. I am so very grateful for my children, my siblings, parents, and extended family.