Post #5 Preparing for Marriage

As we started this week’s topic of “Preparing For Marriage” I was filled with dread. I am twice divorced. Marriage has been a painful experience for me and I have been left with a “dead” feeling inside from its effects. By the end of the week I began to notice a change in my feelings, they have changed from dread to cautiously hopeful. I have learned for myself that there are some things that I neglected to understand prior to both of my marriages. I have learned some valuable lessons this week with regard to dating.

There are four stages from dating to marriage they are: dating, courtship, engagement and marriage.

Dating and hanging out are very different. When people “hang out” it is more of killing time and generally more focused on media. A couple is not really getting to know each other and it’s easy to turn one’s attention to someone else when things get awkward.

According to Elder Dallin H. Oaks, a date is something planned, paid for, and paired off. The couple is committing focus and time to each other for two hours. In class, Brother Williams in effect put it this way, the purpose of dating is to give people an opportunity to get to know each other, it’s not a lifetime commitment it’s just a two hour commitment, with no strings attached. This is not exclusive dating.  I really liked that idea: it made sense to me. This took much of the fear and intimidation of dating away for me. One of the concepts that we discussed in class is that dating is great practice for men and women to learn about roles in relationships.

The next stage in dating is courtship, this is exclusive dating. There is an understanding between the couple that they are going out on dates with anyone else. This stage of the relationship is more committed to each other. In this stage, couples will learn more of the roles that each partner will contribute, what the relationship will look like in the future. During this time the couple begins to see specific ways the other contributes to the relationship. For instance, what is the pattern of cleaning up after eating a meal together. Do both partners contribute to the chore of cleaning up, washing dishes, putting away dishes,  wiping the table and counters, putting food away in proper containers, and sweeping the floor? Or does the chore fall specifically to one partner while the other has an excuse not to help with the “mess” that both were a part of? Are partners willing the help with this unsavory chore without being asked or does there need to be repeated requests for help? This is just one of many example of what the future roles will look as the relationship progresses.

If the relationship continues, the next stage will be engagement. In this stage obviously the exclusive dating continues and there is absolute commitment to each other.  Now the couple is specifically working toward marriage. Patterns in the relationship continue. Whatever weaknesses each partner has will continue in the marriage. It is important to understand that no one is perfect, however it is also important to understand that personal behaviors are not likely to change. What is the work ethic of each partner? What about financial management? Does what they say about money actually line up with how they manage money? Are they able to wait to purchase with cash or does it go on a credit card? How do they treat others when they are frustrated or angry? Again this is just a few examples of the many situations that come up in relationships. Some of these characteristics may have been seen already. Make no excuses for the other partner. This will be the pattern in the marriage. Can you live with it because it will become even more so.

Marriage is the final step in the process. This is the stage where the goal of complete commitment is completed. At this stage partners will really have to work on the relationship. After a time the excitement of new marriage changes into regular daily living. Each partner has brought into the marriage faults and imperfections. Now partners learn to forgive and work together. They are not trying to change each other but working to accept and love the differences in each other. They are learning to blend and become one together.

I have teenage daughters who obviously notice the boys. We have had some great conversations about dating to marriage this week. I have shared with them some of the concepts that I have been learning about these concepts as it applies to any age group. My youngest daughter now feels less fearful about dating in her future.

All of these stages take time. Don’t try to rush the relationship. Each person needs time to contemplate what they are learning about the other. I believe in marriage and I have hope for a happy marriage someday. This has been a full week for me in learning about the process of dating to marriage.