This week in Family Relations the topic of our discussions was
Sexual Intimacy and Family Life. One of the sub topics to the discussions was
infidelity. This was an interesting and insightful discussion. Of course I knew
that sexual infidelity occurs in some marriages. I there are other types of
infidelity that can destroy a marriage as well. Some types of infidelity were
more obvious to me as we discussed them in class and some had never dawned on
me before. Following were some thoughts that stuck out to me, but this is not
an inclusive list, nor is it exclusively a husband problem or a wife problem.
Either spouse can have issues with any one of the following infidelity issues.
Fantasy: Many
women and girls love a clean romance novel or movie. Jane Eyre is a favorite
among my household, we love “Pride and Prejudice” and “Sense and Sensibility”.
We all think of Mr. Darcy as the example of love and devotion. However, as
“perfect” as he may be, he is not real, he is a fantasy. This can be dangerous
and destructive in a marriage when the wife is hurt and frustrated because her
husband does not behave as Mr. Darcy does and compares her husband to a
fictitious character.
Emotional: Every
marriage will go through tough times. There may be the temptation to confide in
someone about the misery they feel, whether of the same sex or not. One of the
dangers with this is that instead of trying to work on challenges with in the
marriage and becoming closer to the spouse, the individual is now turning away
from the spouse and seeking emotional connection outside the marriage.
Now, I make a
disclaimer here. Abuse of any kind is not ok. In a situation like that the marriage
partners need outside professional help. It is absolutely appropriate and
essential that abuse not stay just between the spouses. Can you see the
difference here? If you are uncertain if something is crossing a line, contact
the Family Crisis Center.
Visual:
Pornography is something that both men and women can have an addiction to. Do
you know that even romance novels can be considered pornographic? Does it
describe things that illicit sexual feelings? Those feelings can also fall into
the infidelity of fantasies, that’s dangerous in marriage.
Sexual: Sexual
infidelity can destroy a marriage. Some marriages choose to stay together and
work it out, but it can take years for trust to build up again. It was
interesting to me to learn that women particularly are at risk with regards to
this type of infidelity because of the a hormone called oxytocin that is
produced in their bodies. This is a bonding hormone. This is the hormone that
makes a woman feel emotionally connected to her sexual partner and it is the
same hormone that helps strengthen the bonding with her child. So husbands and
wives need to talk with one another.
Digital: Addictions
to games or social media for example can drive a husband and wife apart.
Perhaps one marriage partner thinks it’s not a big deal. But if one finds
themselves wanting spend more time with the screen, it’s another sign of
infidelity.
In short, anything that takes the focus of either spouse
away from the other is infidelity. Meaning if a spouse would rather spend time
away from the other and “enjoy” other relationships or activities instead of
being with their marriage partner, it’s time to re-evaluate the health of the
marriage and realign the focus on each other. This list lightly touches on
various infidelities. Some items may be more obvious than others. This was a an
eye opener for me. I want to keep in mind what marital fidelity is.
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