Blog #12 Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families

For our final week of class the topic has been, “Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families.”

            I have chosen to write about divorce. This is a sensitive topic for me this week because I have been divorced twice. I am also a child of divorced parents. I will not be sharing any personal experiences, it is simply too private.

            Sometimes divorce needs to happen. An example of when a divorce needs to happen is in the case of abuse. Abuse can take different forms. Sometimes, it can take years for someone to realize that they are in an abusive marriage or relationship. There are several websites that a person can go to if they are wondering if they are in an abusive relationship. These websites have brief checklists that can be looked at quickly. They also have emergency exit buttons at the bottom of the screen so that if a victim needs to exit quickly they can and it does not show up in the history of the computer, this is a protection for the victim. I was surprised when I saw this feature, I didn’t know there was such a thing.

            In our readings this week for class I came across a sentence that said to the effect that divorce can actually be a health saving or lifesaving event for the wife. It can also be the case for the husband if he is the victim of abuse. Sometimes I hear people say that the couple just needs to work it out. Please be so careful making a judgement or expressing an opinion like that. People really do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

            I also, hear of individuals who stay together in the marriage for the sake of the children. When there is abuse in the home, staying together is not benefiting the children, it is harming them. The children are only seeing an unhealthy marriage relationship. In a sense this becomes “normal” to them. Yes they may see that the family environment is full of conflict, and vow to never marry someone like a particular parent, but really what happens is they have no example to replace it with. So the cycle will be perpetuated in the next generation. Divorcing from an abusive marriage is actually a mercy for the children who are in no place to escape the conflict. This gives them an opportunity to heal in so many unseen ways.

            Divorce is a difficult decision to make, even more so when abuse is involved. Often the person who leaves, loses what friends and connections they had in former life. Many times the victim has already been isolated in one way or another, and then has to try to make new friends and connections. This is difficult because trust has been so broken in the marriage relationship. The abuser may also continue to harass the victim, and sometimes a restraining order is put into place. But, this is no guarantee of safety, because the abuser has been violating boundaries all along. In many ways it appears so hopeless.

            Prayer is absolutely the only way to make this heart wrenching decision. It can be frightening putting your trust in someone you cannot see, and listening very carefully to the spirit. A scripture that will help put things into perspective is found in 2 Nephi 2:25, “Adam fell that men might be; and men care, that they might have joy.”  Let there be no misunderstanding about the word “men” in the scripture referenced above. It does not mean specifically males. It means all man or humankind. Women are part of that. This scripture means that not only men but women should experience joy. In a marriage where there is abuse, there is no joy. Our Father in Heaven loves us more than we can comprehend, he wants us to experience joy in mortality. Abuse takes destroys joy. There is no excuse for such behavior. Abuse in any form is not acceptable, Period. Sometimes divorce needs to happen.