Blog #12 Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families

For our final week of class the topic has been, “Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families.”

            I have chosen to write about divorce. This is a sensitive topic for me this week because I have been divorced twice. I am also a child of divorced parents. I will not be sharing any personal experiences, it is simply too private.

            Sometimes divorce needs to happen. An example of when a divorce needs to happen is in the case of abuse. Abuse can take different forms. Sometimes, it can take years for someone to realize that they are in an abusive marriage or relationship. There are several websites that a person can go to if they are wondering if they are in an abusive relationship. These websites have brief checklists that can be looked at quickly. They also have emergency exit buttons at the bottom of the screen so that if a victim needs to exit quickly they can and it does not show up in the history of the computer, this is a protection for the victim. I was surprised when I saw this feature, I didn’t know there was such a thing.

            In our readings this week for class I came across a sentence that said to the effect that divorce can actually be a health saving or lifesaving event for the wife. It can also be the case for the husband if he is the victim of abuse. Sometimes I hear people say that the couple just needs to work it out. Please be so careful making a judgement or expressing an opinion like that. People really do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

            I also, hear of individuals who stay together in the marriage for the sake of the children. When there is abuse in the home, staying together is not benefiting the children, it is harming them. The children are only seeing an unhealthy marriage relationship. In a sense this becomes “normal” to them. Yes they may see that the family environment is full of conflict, and vow to never marry someone like a particular parent, but really what happens is they have no example to replace it with. So the cycle will be perpetuated in the next generation. Divorcing from an abusive marriage is actually a mercy for the children who are in no place to escape the conflict. This gives them an opportunity to heal in so many unseen ways.

            Divorce is a difficult decision to make, even more so when abuse is involved. Often the person who leaves, loses what friends and connections they had in former life. Many times the victim has already been isolated in one way or another, and then has to try to make new friends and connections. This is difficult because trust has been so broken in the marriage relationship. The abuser may also continue to harass the victim, and sometimes a restraining order is put into place. But, this is no guarantee of safety, because the abuser has been violating boundaries all along. In many ways it appears so hopeless.

            Prayer is absolutely the only way to make this heart wrenching decision. It can be frightening putting your trust in someone you cannot see, and listening very carefully to the spirit. A scripture that will help put things into perspective is found in 2 Nephi 2:25, “Adam fell that men might be; and men care, that they might have joy.”  Let there be no misunderstanding about the word “men” in the scripture referenced above. It does not mean specifically males. It means all man or humankind. Women are part of that. This scripture means that not only men but women should experience joy. In a marriage where there is abuse, there is no joy. Our Father in Heaven loves us more than we can comprehend, he wants us to experience joy in mortality. Abuse takes destroys joy. There is no excuse for such behavior. Abuse in any form is not acceptable, Period. Sometimes divorce needs to happen.

Blog # 11 Parenting

             Parenting
             

                This week in my Family Relations Class we talked about parenting. One of the first questions that Brother Williams asked was “What is the purpose of parenting?” There were different thoughts offered, however as I thought about that question for a little bit, I came to the conclusion that for me personally, it is to help me become more like my Heavenly Parents.

                I have always felt that my Heavenly Parents are unconditionally loving. They are absolutely perfect, whereas my earthly parents and I, myself are not perfect. We do the best we know how and frequently fall short. I am grateful to be able to be Their child, and to be a beneficiary of Their patience and loving teaching. This helps me remember as a parent of my children to be patient and loving towards my children when they “fall short” themselves.

                How do I want to be taught and corrected? I try to remember to follow the example of my Heavenly Parents. There have been occasions when I have be corrected for my own misbehaviors by my Heavenly Father. He is direct and firm in his correction, He does not belittle me. I feel warmth and love, and I come away from the experience feeling better about myself. Surprisingly, I feel even more confident in my ability to succeed and do better. That is perfect parenting. So, how can I become more like Them as I learn to become a better parent?

                In class we talked about the “Popkins Problem Handling Model” by Michael Popkins. Of interest to me was the question, “Who owns the problem?” Unfortunately, sometimes I own the problem when really my children should own the problem. For example, the dishes, I often times end up doing the dishes myself because it’s just easier to get it done than to keep asking them repeatedly to complete the chore.

                I learned some tools that I will need to practice more, these tools will help me to be better at communicating with them and others.

1)      A polite request. Ask once, not repeatedly. If needed go to step 2.

2)      Use an I feel statement. “When event, I feel emotion, because thoughts, I would hopes, desires. An example Brother Williams used was something to the effect, “When I see your bike left in the front yard [and not locked up], I feel hurt inside because we worked so hard together to fix it up so that you would have a great bike to ride, and I wouldn’t want your bike to get stolen.” If needed go to step 3.

3)      State the request firmer. If needed go to step 4.

4)      Logical consequences.

a)      Logically connect to natural consequences. Example: If your bike is left out, I will put it up in the rafters for 2-3 days and then you can try again after that.

b)      Discuss in advance.

c)       Use a when, then or if, then statement. Example: “When you have finished the dishes, then you can go for your bike ride.”

d)      Firm and friendly. As the parent be unwavering and use a friendly voice.

e)      Follow through the first time.

f)       Give the child another chance afterwards

g)      Involve the child     

 

                Something else we discussed in class was needs. Everyone has needs. Often children will seek the fulfillment of a need in a negative way. Parents can help their child in a positive way to fulfill these needs.

Childs Mistaken Approach          Needs                                    Parental Response

Undue attention seeking             Contact/Belonging                     Offer contact freely

                                                                                                       Learn to contribute

                                                                                                       Choices

Rebellion                                   Power over my own life              consequences

Control others                                                                                Response & Ability

Revenge                                     Protection                                   Assertiveness &

                                                                                                       Forgiveness

                This week I have learned about how to be a better parent. I will be practicing what I have learned so that my children and I will have a better relationship. This will also help them as they become adults to learn how to problem solve in a positive way that will build their confidence and the confidence of others.

Post # 10 Fathers and Finances

Fathers and Finances

                This week in class our discussion was mostly about the importance of fathers. We had a short week due to the Independence Day holiday, so we didn’t talk as much about the finance portion.

                This week I would like to just remember my father, Ronald Glenn Wright, he passed away to the other side of the veil three years ago on, 21 February 2016. My father was the most Christ like person I have ever known. I remember years ago in a blessing I was given, I was challenged to follow my earthly father’s Christ like example. I miss him every single day. He was my rock, my best friend, my cheerleader, and my example.

                In 2015, about a year before my father passed away from liver cancer, my sister and I found ourselves in a huge disagreement with a lot of hurt feelings. My sister and I have always been very close and have always adored each other. Of course, we’ve had differences of opinions in the past but it had never stopped us from being closely connected with each other. This disagreement however, was very different. We stopped speaking to each other for several months. My dear father was heartbroken over this situation. Many times he tried to help us work it out, but unfortunately my heart was stone cold. I remember talking with him on the phone one day, as he was trying to help my sister and me to reconcile. Weeping, I told him I was “through” with my relationship with my sister. I also told him it didn’t matter anymore, I was “done.” Then he made a remark to the effect that he was “not done.” I remember feeling irritated with him. He then taught me a lesson about family that I hope I never forget. Though he was weak and dying from cancer, he told me he would never give up on my sister or me. Creating a visual example, he told me that if I were drowning in the ocean and being pulled farther and farther out to sea, he would still swim after me and do everything in his power to try and save me. He knew he was dying. And yet, he was be willing to sacrifice what life he had left to save me. He knew the importance of family, and somehow I had forgotten that in my own pain.

                Months later, as he lay dying, my sister and I were gingerly and carefully trying to reconnect with each other again. My father refused to let go and pass on. Why was he continuing to suffer? Why didn’t he just let go and pass through the veil? He was in so much agony. Finally, my sister and I stood together at our father’s bedside and told him he could go Home. We spoke of our love for him and that we would miss him, but we would be ok. We told him it would take time for us to mend our relationship, but we would mend it and everything would be alright. We told him how much we loved him, kissed him and held his hands. We then sang of his favorite hymns to him. My sister and I sang all three verses of “In the Garden” to him. A few minutes later, he passed away.

                I miss my father more than I can ever say. He was my rock, he never wavered in his devotion to family relationships. He was my best friend, he told me things I needed to hear even though I didn’t want to hear them. He was my cheerleader, he continued to encourage me to repair my relationship with my sister. He was my example, he swam after me to save me from my stony heart.

                I love you forever Daddy.

Post # 9 Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

                This week in class we talked a lot about communication in marriage. There is verbal and non-verbal communication. Did you know that words only make up 14% of communication? Did you know the tone of voice makes up about 35% of communication? Or what about non-verbal communication, meaning body language? It makes up a whopping 51% of communication!

                This is interesting to me; over half of our communication is expressed by body language. I wrote down a quote in my notes from class this week, I believe Spencer W. Kimball made the following statement, “When it comes to marriage, we need to communicate so clearly not only that we can be understood but, so we cannot be misunderstood.” If we think about it, communication takes a lot of work.

                I know I need to work harder at this. I believe we all go through times when we work hard to be understood but it takes a lot of work and energy. I believe we also go through periods of time when we are not working so hard. I know we all get tired. This has been an eye opener for me. We must not become lackadaisical.

There are steps that we go through in regards to communicating.

1)      Thoughts or feelings about communicating

2)      We then encode our communication with words, tones, and non-verbal action

3)      Media this can be done by voice, text, social media, email, snail mail, or even letters

4)      Decoding is done by the recipient, by “reading or interpreting” the communication that was sent

5)      Thoughts or feelings about the communication received

We also talked about a technique that includes 5 steps. I have forgotten what it is called but following is the information about it.

1)      Disarming technique: We try to help the other person and ourselves not become defensive. Focus on the kernel of truth that was expressed.

2)      Expressing empathy: What might the other person be thinking or feeling?

3)      Inquiry: Clarify what you heard. Perhaps ask, “Did I get that right?” Or even “I would like to hear more.” You are trying to genuinely understand the issue.

4)      I feel statements:

                When situation or event

                I feel, felt emotion

                Because, thoughts

                I would like hope, desire

5)       Stoking: Express admiration and appreciation. Be respectful.

                I am trying to practice this. Something else we discussed in class was that these concepts are of little value if they are only understood. Now, stop and think about that for a moment…here is next part of the phrase, when these concepts are practiced they are of extreme value. So, if we only understand a concept it doesn’t do much good, but when we put the concept into practice it has extreme value. Why? We have to be actively practicing in order to get better and master communication.

                I know when I feel like I am genuinely listened to, and feel like I have genuine communication with the other person trying to understand my point of view, I feel loved and cared about. This is nothing new for anyone. We all need to feel like we are being listened to, and to feel  a genuine and caring communication with each other.

                I also believe there really is no place for sarcasm in conversations. When sarcasm is used it hurts and mocks the other person. A sarcastic remark doesn’t really mean what is said, often it means the opposite. Let’s just be kind to others and build each other up. Speaking with one another in a genuinely caring fashion will strengthen not only marital and family relationships but other relationships as well.

Post # 8 The Family Under Stress

The Family Under Stress

I cannot overstate that I am learning so much in my Family Relations class!! The topic of this week’s discussion is,  “The Family Under Stress.” A stressor is a strain on a family or relationship. Most of the time we think of stress as being negative. Some stresses are challenging they can be physical, mental, or spiritual, health, unemployment, divorce, school, finances, and family dynamics the list could go on.

Stress can also be a very positive thing. In class we talked about the astronauts that spend an extended amount of time on the space stations. The astronauts are living in without gravity and so they must find ways to exercise with resistance to keep their muscles and bones strong. I imagine this would be challenging. In our discussions we learned that when astronauts finally return to the earth from a space station, their bones are actually very porous and weak. They actually begin to suffer from osteoporosis. Additionally their muscles become very weak and they cannot even get themselves out of the shuttle when they return to the earth. They must be taken out and placed in wheel chairs by others who are there to assist them because they can do very little for themselves and cannot walk. How very interesting.

Why does this happen? As we learned in class it is because there are no stressors on the astronauts bodies while in space. Do you know that gravity here on earth is a stressor on our bodies? Because we have the stress of gravity on our bodies it strengthens our bones and muscles.

As we talked about the astronauts and their physical weakness upon returning to earth, I actually felt grateful to our loving Heavenly Father. That might seem strange but, I began to have just a small glimpse at how wise and loving He is. He knows that we need to have stress in order to be strong.

I began to think about some of the huge stressors that I have had in my life. I grew up under various types of abuses and neglect from my mother and step-mother. I have had my heart broken with two painful divorces. I have lived through the anguish of losing my son just after his birth and losing my father, who was my rock and dearest friend to cancer.

I am grateful for my “negative” stressors, they have helped me grow and find strength that I didn’t know I had. For example, I genuinely believe I am a better mother and more gentle with my children because I never wanted them to feel the pain I had as a child. I am more cautious with relationships and have had some great discussions with my children as they consider the dating world and future companions. I have learned that I can still find joy even when those I love most have left this world. I believe I have been tempered in many ways.

Sometimes I feel like I am still reeling from those stressors that could be considered very negative. However, I know that I would not be the person am I today, had it not been for these painful experiences. Do I think that Heavenly Father “planned” for me to have such unfair things happen to me in my life? No, not really. This life is about choices and experiences. I do believe that he knows his children well enough to know how they will behave in any circumstance. I am so very grateful for his love for me, I feel it every day. I am grateful for His trust and confidence in me that I will come out on the other side a little wiser than before.

Post # 7 Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

This week in Family Relations the topic of our discussions was Sexual Intimacy and Family Life. One of the sub topics to the discussions was infidelity. This was an interesting and insightful discussion. Of course I knew that sexual infidelity occurs in some marriages. I there are other types of infidelity that can destroy a marriage as well. Some types of infidelity were more obvious to me as we discussed them in class and some had never dawned on me before. Following were some thoughts that stuck out to me, but this is not an inclusive list, nor is it exclusively a husband problem or a wife problem. Either spouse can have issues with any one of the following infidelity issues.

Fantasy: Many women and girls love a clean romance novel or movie. Jane Eyre is a favorite among my household, we love “Pride and Prejudice” and “Sense and Sensibility”. We all think of Mr. Darcy as the example of love and devotion. However, as “perfect” as he may be, he is not real, he is a fantasy. This can be dangerous and destructive in a marriage when the wife is hurt and frustrated because her husband does not behave as Mr. Darcy does and compares her husband to a fictitious character.

Emotional: Every marriage will go through tough times. There may be the temptation to confide in someone about the misery they feel, whether of the same sex or not. One of the dangers with this is that instead of trying to work on challenges with in the marriage and becoming closer to the spouse, the individual is now turning away from the spouse and seeking emotional connection outside the marriage.

Now, I make a disclaimer here. Abuse of any kind is not ok. In a situation like that the marriage partners need outside professional help. It is absolutely appropriate and essential that abuse not stay just between the spouses. Can you see the difference here? If you are uncertain if something is crossing a line, contact the Family Crisis Center. 

Visual: Pornography is something that both men and women can have an addiction to. Do you know that even romance novels can be considered pornographic? Does it describe things that illicit sexual feelings? Those feelings can also fall into the infidelity of fantasies, that’s dangerous in marriage.

Sexual: Sexual infidelity can destroy a marriage. Some marriages choose to stay together and work it out, but it can take years for trust to build up again. It was interesting to me to learn that women particularly are at risk with regards to this type of infidelity because of the a hormone called oxytocin that is produced in their bodies. This is a bonding hormone. This is the hormone that makes a woman feel emotionally connected to her sexual partner and it is the same hormone that helps strengthen the bonding with her child. So husbands and wives need to talk with one another.

Digital: Addictions to games or social media for example can drive a husband and wife apart. Perhaps one marriage partner thinks it’s not a big deal. But if one finds themselves wanting spend more time with the screen, it’s another sign of infidelity. 

In short, anything that takes the focus of either spouse away from the other is infidelity. Meaning if a spouse would rather spend time away from the other and “enjoy” other relationships or activities instead of being with their marriage partner, it’s time to re-evaluate the health of the marriage and realign the focus on each other. This list lightly touches on various infidelities. Some items may be more obvious than others. This was a an eye opener for me. I want to keep in mind what marital fidelity is.

Post # 6 Transitions in Marriage

Wow! it’s hard to believe I am half way through the semester. This has been my favorite class this semester. It’s been tough at times working through the readings in my Family Relations Class, because I am twice divorced. I feel like I am no expert and at the same time I am an expert at what doesn’t work. With that said, this week’s topic has been “Transitions in Marriage.”

Something I found interesting in our discussions was the planning of the wedding/reception can set up a pattern for the future of the marriage. Of course none of us realize we are setting patterns at this time, but we are. Understand reader, I will not be using my own experiences in this blog, I will be using examples of class discussions.

The national average cost of planning a wedding/reception for 100-150 guests is $33,000. Does that shock you? Mercy! My eyes flew open at that information. So the question came up in class, how is this event financed? How does this affect the couple? What are some of the long term effects of such an event? What are some of the patterns that are now being put in place as the wedding/reception is planned?

How is a wedding/reception usually financed? That’s a lot of money to come up with. This is top three we discussed in class.

·         Parents

·         Savings

·         Credit card or other debt

Do the parents have that kind of money to spend on a single event? Will it wipe out their savings or do they need to dip into their retirement account? Will they need to mortgage their home? Might they even feel a little wary or possibly resentful at the debt? Please know this doesn’t mean they are bad parents: they have lived a lot longer than the couple and know a few more things about money. This is a lot of financial pressure.

Does the couple have money saved up themselves to pay for the wedding/reception or will they need help to finance it? Will they go into debt using credit cards or a loan to finance this special day? How will this debt affect the couple? We will make the assumption they are both students already stretched financially living off of grants, scholarships, and part-time jobs.

How would debt affect the young couple? Debt is a heavy thing to endure, it can have many faces. Of course financial debt is obvious, but what about the feelings that may come along because the parents may feel something is owed to them because of the financial contribution they made? Maybe the expectation that every holiday is to be spent with them? Perhaps naming the first child after the contributing set of parents? What about “advising” the young couple of what they need to do in various situations?

What patterns has this young couple already started establishing? Planning a wedding/reception is a vital lesson for the couple as they are learning how to work together in their own marriage. They learn about finances, how their spouse feels about finances and how they actually use those resources. They learn about priorities, differences, and compromise. They learn about how the other behaves under pressure and how they treat those they are engaging with during those times. Many more things can be learned about the future spouse as they plan a wedding/reception together.

This is a time to watch carefully as patterns are being developed in what will be the future of the marriage. Again, I have used no personal examples, but I can say from the reading this week that I was able to see patterns that were established in my previous marriages simply by recalling how the wedding/receptions played out.