Blog #12 Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families

For our final week of class the topic has been, “Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families.”

            I have chosen to write about divorce. This is a sensitive topic for me this week because I have been divorced twice. I am also a child of divorced parents. I will not be sharing any personal experiences, it is simply too private.

            Sometimes divorce needs to happen. An example of when a divorce needs to happen is in the case of abuse. Abuse can take different forms. Sometimes, it can take years for someone to realize that they are in an abusive marriage or relationship. There are several websites that a person can go to if they are wondering if they are in an abusive relationship. These websites have brief checklists that can be looked at quickly. They also have emergency exit buttons at the bottom of the screen so that if a victim needs to exit quickly they can and it does not show up in the history of the computer, this is a protection for the victim. I was surprised when I saw this feature, I didn’t know there was such a thing.

            In our readings this week for class I came across a sentence that said to the effect that divorce can actually be a health saving or lifesaving event for the wife. It can also be the case for the husband if he is the victim of abuse. Sometimes I hear people say that the couple just needs to work it out. Please be so careful making a judgement or expressing an opinion like that. People really do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

            I also, hear of individuals who stay together in the marriage for the sake of the children. When there is abuse in the home, staying together is not benefiting the children, it is harming them. The children are only seeing an unhealthy marriage relationship. In a sense this becomes “normal” to them. Yes they may see that the family environment is full of conflict, and vow to never marry someone like a particular parent, but really what happens is they have no example to replace it with. So the cycle will be perpetuated in the next generation. Divorcing from an abusive marriage is actually a mercy for the children who are in no place to escape the conflict. This gives them an opportunity to heal in so many unseen ways.

            Divorce is a difficult decision to make, even more so when abuse is involved. Often the person who leaves, loses what friends and connections they had in former life. Many times the victim has already been isolated in one way or another, and then has to try to make new friends and connections. This is difficult because trust has been so broken in the marriage relationship. The abuser may also continue to harass the victim, and sometimes a restraining order is put into place. But, this is no guarantee of safety, because the abuser has been violating boundaries all along. In many ways it appears so hopeless.

            Prayer is absolutely the only way to make this heart wrenching decision. It can be frightening putting your trust in someone you cannot see, and listening very carefully to the spirit. A scripture that will help put things into perspective is found in 2 Nephi 2:25, “Adam fell that men might be; and men care, that they might have joy.”  Let there be no misunderstanding about the word “men” in the scripture referenced above. It does not mean specifically males. It means all man or humankind. Women are part of that. This scripture means that not only men but women should experience joy. In a marriage where there is abuse, there is no joy. Our Father in Heaven loves us more than we can comprehend, he wants us to experience joy in mortality. Abuse takes destroys joy. There is no excuse for such behavior. Abuse in any form is not acceptable, Period. Sometimes divorce needs to happen.

Blog # 11 Parenting

             Parenting
             

                This week in my Family Relations Class we talked about parenting. One of the first questions that Brother Williams asked was “What is the purpose of parenting?” There were different thoughts offered, however as I thought about that question for a little bit, I came to the conclusion that for me personally, it is to help me become more like my Heavenly Parents.

                I have always felt that my Heavenly Parents are unconditionally loving. They are absolutely perfect, whereas my earthly parents and I, myself are not perfect. We do the best we know how and frequently fall short. I am grateful to be able to be Their child, and to be a beneficiary of Their patience and loving teaching. This helps me remember as a parent of my children to be patient and loving towards my children when they “fall short” themselves.

                How do I want to be taught and corrected? I try to remember to follow the example of my Heavenly Parents. There have been occasions when I have be corrected for my own misbehaviors by my Heavenly Father. He is direct and firm in his correction, He does not belittle me. I feel warmth and love, and I come away from the experience feeling better about myself. Surprisingly, I feel even more confident in my ability to succeed and do better. That is perfect parenting. So, how can I become more like Them as I learn to become a better parent?

                In class we talked about the “Popkins Problem Handling Model” by Michael Popkins. Of interest to me was the question, “Who owns the problem?” Unfortunately, sometimes I own the problem when really my children should own the problem. For example, the dishes, I often times end up doing the dishes myself because it’s just easier to get it done than to keep asking them repeatedly to complete the chore.

                I learned some tools that I will need to practice more, these tools will help me to be better at communicating with them and others.

1)      A polite request. Ask once, not repeatedly. If needed go to step 2.

2)      Use an I feel statement. “When event, I feel emotion, because thoughts, I would hopes, desires. An example Brother Williams used was something to the effect, “When I see your bike left in the front yard [and not locked up], I feel hurt inside because we worked so hard together to fix it up so that you would have a great bike to ride, and I wouldn’t want your bike to get stolen.” If needed go to step 3.

3)      State the request firmer. If needed go to step 4.

4)      Logical consequences.

a)      Logically connect to natural consequences. Example: If your bike is left out, I will put it up in the rafters for 2-3 days and then you can try again after that.

b)      Discuss in advance.

c)       Use a when, then or if, then statement. Example: “When you have finished the dishes, then you can go for your bike ride.”

d)      Firm and friendly. As the parent be unwavering and use a friendly voice.

e)      Follow through the first time.

f)       Give the child another chance afterwards

g)      Involve the child     

 

                Something else we discussed in class was needs. Everyone has needs. Often children will seek the fulfillment of a need in a negative way. Parents can help their child in a positive way to fulfill these needs.

Childs Mistaken Approach          Needs                                    Parental Response

Undue attention seeking             Contact/Belonging                     Offer contact freely

                                                                                                       Learn to contribute

                                                                                                       Choices

Rebellion                                   Power over my own life              consequences

Control others                                                                                Response & Ability

Revenge                                     Protection                                   Assertiveness &

                                                                                                       Forgiveness

                This week I have learned about how to be a better parent. I will be practicing what I have learned so that my children and I will have a better relationship. This will also help them as they become adults to learn how to problem solve in a positive way that will build their confidence and the confidence of others.

Post # 10 Fathers and Finances

Fathers and Finances

                This week in class our discussion was mostly about the importance of fathers. We had a short week due to the Independence Day holiday, so we didn’t talk as much about the finance portion.

                This week I would like to just remember my father, Ronald Glenn Wright, he passed away to the other side of the veil three years ago on, 21 February 2016. My father was the most Christ like person I have ever known. I remember years ago in a blessing I was given, I was challenged to follow my earthly father’s Christ like example. I miss him every single day. He was my rock, my best friend, my cheerleader, and my example.

                In 2015, about a year before my father passed away from liver cancer, my sister and I found ourselves in a huge disagreement with a lot of hurt feelings. My sister and I have always been very close and have always adored each other. Of course, we’ve had differences of opinions in the past but it had never stopped us from being closely connected with each other. This disagreement however, was very different. We stopped speaking to each other for several months. My dear father was heartbroken over this situation. Many times he tried to help us work it out, but unfortunately my heart was stone cold. I remember talking with him on the phone one day, as he was trying to help my sister and me to reconcile. Weeping, I told him I was “through” with my relationship with my sister. I also told him it didn’t matter anymore, I was “done.” Then he made a remark to the effect that he was “not done.” I remember feeling irritated with him. He then taught me a lesson about family that I hope I never forget. Though he was weak and dying from cancer, he told me he would never give up on my sister or me. Creating a visual example, he told me that if I were drowning in the ocean and being pulled farther and farther out to sea, he would still swim after me and do everything in his power to try and save me. He knew he was dying. And yet, he was be willing to sacrifice what life he had left to save me. He knew the importance of family, and somehow I had forgotten that in my own pain.

                Months later, as he lay dying, my sister and I were gingerly and carefully trying to reconnect with each other again. My father refused to let go and pass on. Why was he continuing to suffer? Why didn’t he just let go and pass through the veil? He was in so much agony. Finally, my sister and I stood together at our father’s bedside and told him he could go Home. We spoke of our love for him and that we would miss him, but we would be ok. We told him it would take time for us to mend our relationship, but we would mend it and everything would be alright. We told him how much we loved him, kissed him and held his hands. We then sang of his favorite hymns to him. My sister and I sang all three verses of “In the Garden” to him. A few minutes later, he passed away.

                I miss my father more than I can ever say. He was my rock, he never wavered in his devotion to family relationships. He was my best friend, he told me things I needed to hear even though I didn’t want to hear them. He was my cheerleader, he continued to encourage me to repair my relationship with my sister. He was my example, he swam after me to save me from my stony heart.

                I love you forever Daddy.

Post # 9 Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

                This week in class we talked a lot about communication in marriage. There is verbal and non-verbal communication. Did you know that words only make up 14% of communication? Did you know the tone of voice makes up about 35% of communication? Or what about non-verbal communication, meaning body language? It makes up a whopping 51% of communication!

                This is interesting to me; over half of our communication is expressed by body language. I wrote down a quote in my notes from class this week, I believe Spencer W. Kimball made the following statement, “When it comes to marriage, we need to communicate so clearly not only that we can be understood but, so we cannot be misunderstood.” If we think about it, communication takes a lot of work.

                I know I need to work harder at this. I believe we all go through times when we work hard to be understood but it takes a lot of work and energy. I believe we also go through periods of time when we are not working so hard. I know we all get tired. This has been an eye opener for me. We must not become lackadaisical.

There are steps that we go through in regards to communicating.

1)      Thoughts or feelings about communicating

2)      We then encode our communication with words, tones, and non-verbal action

3)      Media this can be done by voice, text, social media, email, snail mail, or even letters

4)      Decoding is done by the recipient, by “reading or interpreting” the communication that was sent

5)      Thoughts or feelings about the communication received

We also talked about a technique that includes 5 steps. I have forgotten what it is called but following is the information about it.

1)      Disarming technique: We try to help the other person and ourselves not become defensive. Focus on the kernel of truth that was expressed.

2)      Expressing empathy: What might the other person be thinking or feeling?

3)      Inquiry: Clarify what you heard. Perhaps ask, “Did I get that right?” Or even “I would like to hear more.” You are trying to genuinely understand the issue.

4)      I feel statements:

                When situation or event

                I feel, felt emotion

                Because, thoughts

                I would like hope, desire

5)       Stoking: Express admiration and appreciation. Be respectful.

                I am trying to practice this. Something else we discussed in class was that these concepts are of little value if they are only understood. Now, stop and think about that for a moment…here is next part of the phrase, when these concepts are practiced they are of extreme value. So, if we only understand a concept it doesn’t do much good, but when we put the concept into practice it has extreme value. Why? We have to be actively practicing in order to get better and master communication.

                I know when I feel like I am genuinely listened to, and feel like I have genuine communication with the other person trying to understand my point of view, I feel loved and cared about. This is nothing new for anyone. We all need to feel like we are being listened to, and to feel  a genuine and caring communication with each other.

                I also believe there really is no place for sarcasm in conversations. When sarcasm is used it hurts and mocks the other person. A sarcastic remark doesn’t really mean what is said, often it means the opposite. Let’s just be kind to others and build each other up. Speaking with one another in a genuinely caring fashion will strengthen not only marital and family relationships but other relationships as well.