Post # 8 The Family Under Stress

The Family Under Stress

I cannot overstate that I am learning so much in my Family Relations class!! The topic of this week’s discussion is,  “The Family Under Stress.” A stressor is a strain on a family or relationship. Most of the time we think of stress as being negative. Some stresses are challenging they can be physical, mental, or spiritual, health, unemployment, divorce, school, finances, and family dynamics the list could go on.

Stress can also be a very positive thing. In class we talked about the astronauts that spend an extended amount of time on the space stations. The astronauts are living in without gravity and so they must find ways to exercise with resistance to keep their muscles and bones strong. I imagine this would be challenging. In our discussions we learned that when astronauts finally return to the earth from a space station, their bones are actually very porous and weak. They actually begin to suffer from osteoporosis. Additionally their muscles become very weak and they cannot even get themselves out of the shuttle when they return to the earth. They must be taken out and placed in wheel chairs by others who are there to assist them because they can do very little for themselves and cannot walk. How very interesting.

Why does this happen? As we learned in class it is because there are no stressors on the astronauts bodies while in space. Do you know that gravity here on earth is a stressor on our bodies? Because we have the stress of gravity on our bodies it strengthens our bones and muscles.

As we talked about the astronauts and their physical weakness upon returning to earth, I actually felt grateful to our loving Heavenly Father. That might seem strange but, I began to have just a small glimpse at how wise and loving He is. He knows that we need to have stress in order to be strong.

I began to think about some of the huge stressors that I have had in my life. I grew up under various types of abuses and neglect from my mother and step-mother. I have had my heart broken with two painful divorces. I have lived through the anguish of losing my son just after his birth and losing my father, who was my rock and dearest friend to cancer.

I am grateful for my “negative” stressors, they have helped me grow and find strength that I didn’t know I had. For example, I genuinely believe I am a better mother and more gentle with my children because I never wanted them to feel the pain I had as a child. I am more cautious with relationships and have had some great discussions with my children as they consider the dating world and future companions. I have learned that I can still find joy even when those I love most have left this world. I believe I have been tempered in many ways.

Sometimes I feel like I am still reeling from those stressors that could be considered very negative. However, I know that I would not be the person am I today, had it not been for these painful experiences. Do I think that Heavenly Father “planned” for me to have such unfair things happen to me in my life? No, not really. This life is about choices and experiences. I do believe that he knows his children well enough to know how they will behave in any circumstance. I am so very grateful for his love for me, I feel it every day. I am grateful for His trust and confidence in me that I will come out on the other side a little wiser than before.

Post # 7 Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

This week in Family Relations the topic of our discussions was Sexual Intimacy and Family Life. One of the sub topics to the discussions was infidelity. This was an interesting and insightful discussion. Of course I knew that sexual infidelity occurs in some marriages. I there are other types of infidelity that can destroy a marriage as well. Some types of infidelity were more obvious to me as we discussed them in class and some had never dawned on me before. Following were some thoughts that stuck out to me, but this is not an inclusive list, nor is it exclusively a husband problem or a wife problem. Either spouse can have issues with any one of the following infidelity issues.

Fantasy: Many women and girls love a clean romance novel or movie. Jane Eyre is a favorite among my household, we love “Pride and Prejudice” and “Sense and Sensibility”. We all think of Mr. Darcy as the example of love and devotion. However, as “perfect” as he may be, he is not real, he is a fantasy. This can be dangerous and destructive in a marriage when the wife is hurt and frustrated because her husband does not behave as Mr. Darcy does and compares her husband to a fictitious character.

Emotional: Every marriage will go through tough times. There may be the temptation to confide in someone about the misery they feel, whether of the same sex or not. One of the dangers with this is that instead of trying to work on challenges with in the marriage and becoming closer to the spouse, the individual is now turning away from the spouse and seeking emotional connection outside the marriage.

Now, I make a disclaimer here. Abuse of any kind is not ok. In a situation like that the marriage partners need outside professional help. It is absolutely appropriate and essential that abuse not stay just between the spouses. Can you see the difference here? If you are uncertain if something is crossing a line, contact the Family Crisis Center. 

Visual: Pornography is something that both men and women can have an addiction to. Do you know that even romance novels can be considered pornographic? Does it describe things that illicit sexual feelings? Those feelings can also fall into the infidelity of fantasies, that’s dangerous in marriage.

Sexual: Sexual infidelity can destroy a marriage. Some marriages choose to stay together and work it out, but it can take years for trust to build up again. It was interesting to me to learn that women particularly are at risk with regards to this type of infidelity because of the a hormone called oxytocin that is produced in their bodies. This is a bonding hormone. This is the hormone that makes a woman feel emotionally connected to her sexual partner and it is the same hormone that helps strengthen the bonding with her child. So husbands and wives need to talk with one another.

Digital: Addictions to games or social media for example can drive a husband and wife apart. Perhaps one marriage partner thinks it’s not a big deal. But if one finds themselves wanting spend more time with the screen, it’s another sign of infidelity. 

In short, anything that takes the focus of either spouse away from the other is infidelity. Meaning if a spouse would rather spend time away from the other and “enjoy” other relationships or activities instead of being with their marriage partner, it’s time to re-evaluate the health of the marriage and realign the focus on each other. This list lightly touches on various infidelities. Some items may be more obvious than others. This was a an eye opener for me. I want to keep in mind what marital fidelity is.

Post # 6 Transitions in Marriage

Wow! it’s hard to believe I am half way through the semester. This has been my favorite class this semester. It’s been tough at times working through the readings in my Family Relations Class, because I am twice divorced. I feel like I am no expert and at the same time I am an expert at what doesn’t work. With that said, this week’s topic has been “Transitions in Marriage.”

Something I found interesting in our discussions was the planning of the wedding/reception can set up a pattern for the future of the marriage. Of course none of us realize we are setting patterns at this time, but we are. Understand reader, I will not be using my own experiences in this blog, I will be using examples of class discussions.

The national average cost of planning a wedding/reception for 100-150 guests is $33,000. Does that shock you? Mercy! My eyes flew open at that information. So the question came up in class, how is this event financed? How does this affect the couple? What are some of the long term effects of such an event? What are some of the patterns that are now being put in place as the wedding/reception is planned?

How is a wedding/reception usually financed? That’s a lot of money to come up with. This is top three we discussed in class.

·         Parents

·         Savings

·         Credit card or other debt

Do the parents have that kind of money to spend on a single event? Will it wipe out their savings or do they need to dip into their retirement account? Will they need to mortgage their home? Might they even feel a little wary or possibly resentful at the debt? Please know this doesn’t mean they are bad parents: they have lived a lot longer than the couple and know a few more things about money. This is a lot of financial pressure.

Does the couple have money saved up themselves to pay for the wedding/reception or will they need help to finance it? Will they go into debt using credit cards or a loan to finance this special day? How will this debt affect the couple? We will make the assumption they are both students already stretched financially living off of grants, scholarships, and part-time jobs.

How would debt affect the young couple? Debt is a heavy thing to endure, it can have many faces. Of course financial debt is obvious, but what about the feelings that may come along because the parents may feel something is owed to them because of the financial contribution they made? Maybe the expectation that every holiday is to be spent with them? Perhaps naming the first child after the contributing set of parents? What about “advising” the young couple of what they need to do in various situations?

What patterns has this young couple already started establishing? Planning a wedding/reception is a vital lesson for the couple as they are learning how to work together in their own marriage. They learn about finances, how their spouse feels about finances and how they actually use those resources. They learn about priorities, differences, and compromise. They learn about how the other behaves under pressure and how they treat those they are engaging with during those times. Many more things can be learned about the future spouse as they plan a wedding/reception together.

This is a time to watch carefully as patterns are being developed in what will be the future of the marriage. Again, I have used no personal examples, but I can say from the reading this week that I was able to see patterns that were established in my previous marriages simply by recalling how the wedding/receptions played out.

Post #5 Preparing for Marriage

As we started this week’s topic of “Preparing For Marriage” I was filled with dread. I am twice divorced. Marriage has been a painful experience for me and I have been left with a “dead” feeling inside from its effects. By the end of the week I began to notice a change in my feelings, they have changed from dread to cautiously hopeful. I have learned for myself that there are some things that I neglected to understand prior to both of my marriages. I have learned some valuable lessons this week with regard to dating.

There are four stages from dating to marriage they are: dating, courtship, engagement and marriage.

Dating and hanging out are very different. When people “hang out” it is more of killing time and generally more focused on media. A couple is not really getting to know each other and it’s easy to turn one’s attention to someone else when things get awkward.

According to Elder Dallin H. Oaks, a date is something planned, paid for, and paired off. The couple is committing focus and time to each other for two hours. In class, Brother Williams in effect put it this way, the purpose of dating is to give people an opportunity to get to know each other, it’s not a lifetime commitment it’s just a two hour commitment, with no strings attached. This is not exclusive dating.  I really liked that idea: it made sense to me. This took much of the fear and intimidation of dating away for me. One of the concepts that we discussed in class is that dating is great practice for men and women to learn about roles in relationships.

The next stage in dating is courtship, this is exclusive dating. There is an understanding between the couple that they are going out on dates with anyone else. This stage of the relationship is more committed to each other. In this stage, couples will learn more of the roles that each partner will contribute, what the relationship will look like in the future. During this time the couple begins to see specific ways the other contributes to the relationship. For instance, what is the pattern of cleaning up after eating a meal together. Do both partners contribute to the chore of cleaning up, washing dishes, putting away dishes,  wiping the table and counters, putting food away in proper containers, and sweeping the floor? Or does the chore fall specifically to one partner while the other has an excuse not to help with the “mess” that both were a part of? Are partners willing the help with this unsavory chore without being asked or does there need to be repeated requests for help? This is just one of many example of what the future roles will look as the relationship progresses.

If the relationship continues, the next stage will be engagement. In this stage obviously the exclusive dating continues and there is absolute commitment to each other.  Now the couple is specifically working toward marriage. Patterns in the relationship continue. Whatever weaknesses each partner has will continue in the marriage. It is important to understand that no one is perfect, however it is also important to understand that personal behaviors are not likely to change. What is the work ethic of each partner? What about financial management? Does what they say about money actually line up with how they manage money? Are they able to wait to purchase with cash or does it go on a credit card? How do they treat others when they are frustrated or angry? Again this is just a few examples of the many situations that come up in relationships. Some of these characteristics may have been seen already. Make no excuses for the other partner. This will be the pattern in the marriage. Can you live with it because it will become even more so.

Marriage is the final step in the process. This is the stage where the goal of complete commitment is completed. At this stage partners will really have to work on the relationship. After a time the excitement of new marriage changes into regular daily living. Each partner has brought into the marriage faults and imperfections. Now partners learn to forgive and work together. They are not trying to change each other but working to accept and love the differences in each other. They are learning to blend and become one together.

I have teenage daughters who obviously notice the boys. We have had some great conversations about dating to marriage this week. I have shared with them some of the concepts that I have been learning about these concepts as it applies to any age group. My youngest daughter now feels less fearful about dating in her future.

All of these stages take time. Don’t try to rush the relationship. Each person needs time to contemplate what they are learning about the other. I believe in marriage and I have hope for a happy marriage someday. This has been a full week for me in learning about the process of dating to marriage.