Post #4 Gender and Family Life

This week in my Family Relations class the topic was Gender and Family Life. There are many concepts to this topic. This week, I am choosing to write about the relationships between sisters. It’s been a great week to be reminded how grateful I am for my own sister. I have been close to her for many years. Previously before this week’s reading, I had not really paid attention to how important my sister relationship is to my own mental health. I just knew that when I had a good day or a hard day, my sister Christina, is who I choose to call. It’s been that way for years.

She is a great sounding board when I need to think out loud and she talks to me “straight” as well when I need it. For instance a recent phone call we had was over a difference of opinion for a family get together in another state. Instead of either of us getting mad because of differing opinions we were able to listen to each side. We have not yet come to resolution but we at least know where the other is coming from. This makes it possible to find the right answers for each of our families and still get together.

One of the many articles we read this week for class was titled, “Sisters give siblings better mental health study shows” by Joe Hadfield. This short article really struck a chord with me. Of course parents and other siblings matter significantly also. There are so many wonderful blessings that come from having loving parents and siblings. Personally, from my father I learned about treating everyone with kindness and choosing to be positive and happy. From my mother I learned about the importance of forgiving and letting go of hurt. From my brothers I have learned of their fierce love and desire to protect me. From my sister, I have learned about generosity, forgiveness, and never giving up. My family is everything to me.

Having a sister especially during the turbulent teenage years can help ease some of the low times that all young people experience. According to the article mentioned above, “[H]aving a sister protected adolescents from feeling lonely, unloved, guilty, self-conscious and fearful. It didn’t matter whether the sister was younger or older, or how far apart the siblings were age wise.” When I read this, I felt it was a perfect description of my feelings about my sister. The only clarification I need to add to the statement above is that in my current stage of life, which is middle age, it still applies!

I look at my own children and see the relationships they have. Of course some of them are grown and gone, but I can see in my children a great love between them. I see a bond between these girls and when one of them is feeling “lonely, unloved, guilty, self-conscious and fearful” they reach for each other. Often these sisters, are the first ones to reach for another sister for comfort. They are best friends to each other, they freely give affection with hugs, kisses, and I love you’s, they try to help each other ease the pain of hurt feelings or of guilt, they build each other’s self-confidence, and they reassure each other.

I am grateful for my own sister and for the sister relationship my own children have with one another. I am grateful for the enduring friendships in sisterhood. I am grateful for the love that is always there, even during times of frustration. I am grateful for the calm reassurance, when fears arise. I am forever grateful I have been blessed with a sister.

Post #3 Social Class

The topic this week in my Family Relations class has been about social class and cultural diversity.

 I have felt badly, when during a history lesson I have learned that in some foreign countries there were still social classes today. I understood that there were the “haves” and “have-not’s”. I understood that some were well to do and some lived in squalor. I realize I am over simplifying. Somehow as a youngster it was just too far away for me to grasp this fact. I grew up in a fairly comfortable home. We had a car, a working furnace and lights, enough food, warm clothes, etc. In my bliss I had not paid any attention to the social classes that exist in my own country. I guess it never occurred to me that there were classes. (I think I have my father to thank for that. He looked at everyone and treated everyone as equal and with respect.) I understood that some were poor and some were wealthy with many families in between.

The focus for me right now is those families that are struggling to make ends meet. Wondering, how they will get through the next month, week, or the next day. This week I saw a documentary about a woman that amazed me with her strength and yet broke my heart with her hardships. She was a hardworking single mother of four children. She was doing her best to set a good example for her children. She worked fulltime and walked 10.5 miles to work every day instead of going on government welfare. She was a caring and concerned mother. She had a desire and hope for a better life in the future.

Why did she end up living the life that she did? Her social class was at the bottom of the rung. Is someone doomed to live life like that? What can I do as one person to help someone else make a better life for themselves?

Please understand dear reader that I am not judging this mother. I am however making some observations.

In the documentary there was no mention of the father of the children. How much harder life is for a mother to raise children on her own but also how much harder it is for children not to have a father in the home to help raise them, teach them, love them, support them, and set a good example for them. I believe that a father should be the bread winner, the support and protector of the home and family. I understand there can be extenuating circumstances, I am thinking of a traditional family and home. When the mother is able to be in the home and nurture and teach the children, the children have a better start in life. Again, I understand that there can be extenuating circumstances.

This mother also grew up in poverty. She was one of twenty-two children. Obviously most of us don’t have that many siblings. Her father was a very hard worker and worked many hours, but with so many depending on him, it was never enough. This mother, as a girl had to quit school and go to work to help support her family. Because she quit school to go to work, she was left at a disadvantage. She didn’t have the educational background that most of us have. She didn’t have the skills to find a decent paying job.

I learned a lot from the documentary and the discussion following that we had in class. I don’t have the answers to fix everything, but I have one answer that for me is most important. Don’t judge people. It may look like she is at the bottom of the social class ladder, but she had something that cannot be found by being in any social class. This mother had determination and hope for her future. There were many setbacks in her life, but she was choosing to be happy.

I am working daily to be hopeful for my own future and the future of my family. I am very blessed to have the opportunity to attend BYU-Idaho, I am determined to continue and complete my education so that I can help others dig deep within themselves to find their own determination and hope.

Post #2 Family Systems

This week in my Family Relations Class, one of the topics of discussion was “Family Systems”. To help our class better understand what is meant by “Family Systems” some other examples were given with systems that we all had some degree of familiarity with, such as phone systems, electrical systems, body systems (i.e. cardiovascular), fire suppression and operating systems with phones and computers.

The Systems Theory is that a group looked at as a whole, has boundaries and each person influences others. They work together and this maintains the system. This does not necessarily mean that it is a healthy system, it just means that each person has an influence which maintains the system. There may also be sub-systems.

Another great example that was shared in class was actually an object lesson. Now, bear with me, this may be a little long winded. We had 4 volunteers in class to be a “family”. We had a father, mother, and two children. The “family” spread out in a circle and held hands. Brother Williams then (with permission) put his hands on each family members shoulders and pulled on each individual one at a time. During this time everyone continued to hold hands. Obviously there was strain put on the rest of the family members. He continued to go around the circle. When Brother Williams got to the father of the family the father tried to keep any extra strain from going to the rest of the family, trying to bear it by himself. This actually made it harder on the father, whereas if he had allowed the family to help him bear the strain it would have been easier. In a sense the father was at more of a risk of losing his balance because he was unwilling to share the strain with the family.

Please don’t misunderstand that the father was the problem. This could be anyone of us in the same position of the father, or any other family member, he was just trying to protect the family.  I learned somethings about myself and my family. I am not listing them in any order of relevance, just what comes to my mind.

·         Strain felt on any member of the family affects the whole family. It can be anything from a bad day at school for a child to a parent not getting the things accomplished on the to do list to financial troubles. This list may seem trite, the point is the list can go on and on. It applies to any size stress at all. The strain is there even if we aren’t aware of the bad day or the to do list.

·         As hard as it is to share the burden, I realize I am making it so much harder for myself and my family when I don’t share. My family and I are stronger when we work together and share burdens.

·         There are many things in life that are pulling at families. Be aware.

·         When I don’t share what is bothering me, I am actually causing fear for my loved ones. They may be afraid to broach the subject for fear of making things worse. Be more open with concerns.

·         I know my family loves me and they will want to help in whatever way is possible.

·         I can show weakness and at the same time continue to have my dignity.

This week has really been thought provoking for me. I am learning to think about and love my family deeper. I may not be perfect, but I have the perfect family for me. I am so very grateful for my children, my siblings, parents, and extended family.

Post #1 Societal Trends and the Family

I am learning so much in my Family Relations class, and it leaves my head swirling much of the time. In this class I would say we work quite a bit on critical thinking. This is not to be understood as negative thinking but more of trying to delve deeper in our understanding of various issues that affect families.

For years I can remember hearing that the world is overpopulated. I can remember as a young person hearing on the news that in “x” amount of years life as we know it would come to an end due to all the resources being used up and there would not be enough food to feed everyone. Essentially we would all die. Of course this would make me feel afraid, but thankfully, I never completely believed it. I remember at some point later coming across a scripture that read, “For the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yea, I prepared all things, and have given unto the children of men to be agents unto themselves.”

I am a woman of faith and I realize there may be some who have other beliefs. I share the above scripture because it has been a comfort to me and given me hope. I share my thoughts not to create contention, but as a way of understanding where I come from and what makes me the person I am.

This week in my class, the discussion has focused on Marriage and Family Trends. One of the points of our discussions was a documentary entitled, “Demographic Winter”. In the documentary a book is mentioned entitled, “The Population Bomb” by Paul Erlich. In an interview with Erlich he says that he doesn’t believe population growth is a good thing and that it is bad for the environment. His opinion is that resources will run out and people will starve and the planet will be destroyed. He also says it’s irresponsible to have children, and irresponsible to the grandchildren and future generations. Many people believe in his claims regarding the beginning of the end of our planet and couples began have fewer children.

 Interestingly enough, the opposite of what he predicted has happened. We have many resources. Agriculture has improved and more food in able to be grown in smaller spaces and more people are fed throughout the world today than years ago. The environment is better than it has been for years, I acknowledge there are still problems, but things are improving. There are many people and countries that care deeply about our planet are working hard to protect it.

Sometimes there is confusion understanding the population numbers. These population numbers are rising because people are living longer, not because there has been an explosion of births. For several decades the fertility rate has been falling. There are many countries in the world including the United States, in which families are not having enough children to have an equal replacement value. Some views about child bearing are that is not important or necessary to have children. Some, view families as being more problematic, while others feel it will help financially and conserve resources.

The fact is that throughout the world most women are bearing less than 2 children during their lifetime, and this is of concern. There are a lot of things that will be affected by a decrease in population worldwide, including many types of services.

This can all be very discouraging and confusing for all of us. It may seem that all is lost but, I have hope. We need to focus on our families and love them. One of my class members brought up an important point in class, Adam and Eve were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. Then there is also the scripture that meant so much to me as a youngster, that there is “enough and to spare” regarding the earth. If it were a possibility that all of the horrible things predicted to happen because of overpopulation we would have been taught otherwise in the scriptures. God knows the very beginning to the very end.  I have borne 7 children, they have brought more joy into my life than I could have ever thought possible. My adult children are very hard workers and help make the world a better place in so many ways.  I am doing my best to raise them into thoughtful, caring, compassionate, and loving people. They have made my world a better place and I know they will go forward and also make the world a better place.